The Choco Machine
by The 11th Hour Bastard
Summary: Shit happens when Nepgear finally assembled a machine that could turn every non-living object to chocolates.


The Choco Machine

At one certain day in Planeptune, Nepgear finally finished her latest masterpiece : the Chocolate Machine! It had the function to turn every non-living object into chocolates. Since Neptune was busy at Lastation to flirt with Noire and Uni avoiding Nepgear due to some unknown reason—her only option was to call in Rom and Ram for testing her new invention.

...definitely not Vert since the blond goddess would sexually harass her instead.

Even though she could test it herself, the more the merrier. If push came to shove, she could try using others as a test subject and let Compa heal them afterwards.

Since the twins were bored as hell, they appeared in a flash on the Basilicom, looking at the object that's kinda shaped like a retro microwave.

"Whoa, miss Nepgear, it looks amazing! So it can turn every stuff into chocolates?"

"Ah ha ha! It looks kinda weird but it sure has some interesting function. Let's mess around with it!"

First they put the ROM of ************* on the tray and let the machine process it. The approximate time for each process would be shown on the LED display: now it's around 1 hour. So the twins basically cuddled Nepgear while watching some mecha show that had girls kissing each other.

"I-I swear I watch this for the mecha action! D-didn't expect such vulgar things to be shown on screen."

Nepgear went all flustered not due to the kissing scene, but the fact that she allowed the loli twins to see her watching that kinda stuff.

"What's the big deal? It was only a declaration of 'friendship' anyway."

"Uh huh. So yeah, miss Nepgear—let's kiss!"

"Ayy, I want to kiss Rom next."

The lilac sister was saved by the conveniently timed beep from the chocolate machine. Letting out a truly relieved sigh, she tried taking long strides toward it. It's not as if she disliked the idea of kissing with Rom—more like, she totally had no idea how to halt her advances, and if the stuff went over to Uni—she might totally try to kill her.

Jealousy could produce such nice boats and she didn't want to be stuck like a pineapple under the sea.

"Umm...you two are free to kiss each other—i'd be going-"

"We already got bored though; we did it all the time." said Rom

"We still haven't done it in public or someone else's home though." Ram added.

"No please don't do so. Not my home either, I beg of you both."

It might be due to Blanc's fault of bringing a lot of yuri stuff in her place, but who could blame it. That's the purest form of love, after all—it would rouse the romantic interest in her Author's soul.

"If you don't want to kiss, at least please watch us, miss Nepgear."

"Why do I have to do so! This is really embarassing."

"...it makes the heart race...Rom."

"Sure thing, Ram...mmhhh...chuuu."

As they went closer and closer with their lips almost meeting, Nepgear's face went as red as tomato, and when she finally lost it, she scrammed tail high before Fr*ddie could sing the verse '...drowning at the speed of light'.

Gasping her breath after sprinting at such ludicrous speed, she took a long look at the chocolate machine.

It presented to her : ************** – Chocolate Version.

"What the heck is this!" Nepgear was totally lost in words.

The cover features a diabetic-looking version of the main character, and instead of collecting gum balls—it was chocolates. It appears that he had an almost satanic craving of the cocoa product, shown by the withdrawal symptom when he didn't get to eat them for a set time.

It was all shown at the back cover of said product.

All the bosses were also replaced with chocolates.

She went back to Rom and Ram who could be seen inserting tongues. It felt almost surreal due to the gap in their usual childish antics and this kind of bold move even adults wouldn't nonchalantly do.

"Lick...slurp...ahhnn...oh it's you Nepgear."

"Mhhhmm...yeah...chururu...don't mind us...miss Nepgear..".

"Of course I mind you! How could both of you do something so shameless in my house! Did you guys actually got into a penalty game or something for greatly pissing off Blanc? What on earth just happened for having to go through such extent? Ah...my innocence, bring back my innocence!"

Nepgear totally didn't say that, she just unconsciously made that Nepgya expression while clutching a totally dank remastered title which showcased the protagonist's addiction to chocolate.

"...ahhh...huh, what's that Nepgear, that game looks pretty dope." Ram finally pulled off her lips and tongue outta Rom, leaving long trails of saliva behind—the weird game title in front of her seem so shiny she couldn't help to postpone whatever she's doing. Whilst Rom, whom were snapped out of the rave also turned to the same direction.

Three of them finally played the game...but since it was so weird, they couldn't really stand it for more than half an hour.

"...gaahhh...I don't want to eat chocolates for a week now...gyugyugyu..." Nepgear wasn't a big fan of chocolates in the first place, which made her thought—how did she ended up with that machine?

She didn't especially created it on purpose. It was just yesterday when Neptune told her to clean up stuff in the storehouse—originally for throwing unused junk away. After brimming with curiosity when looking at certain set of parts, Nepgear assembled it together, mix and match—finally coming up with the microwave looking object. She tried testing it by using a glass of water to heat it up—it actually turned into a cocoa drink of the same temperature.

That's how she realized its function-talk about convenient plot device. In this manner, the invention might not particularly be hers, but something that was disassembled by the previous CPU generations and somehow got their way to Nepgear. Stuff aside, the fact she just assembled it on a whim and it worked was a feat by itself.

"Thinking the original game was one of Neptune's favorites, I feel bad for you, Nepgear..." Ram started rubbing the lilac sister's shoulder, seeing as she also knew the CPU's love for retro games.

"Miss Nepgear won't just do something that rash for experiments!"

"Uh, that's right Rom. The one I used was kinda duped. It's not piracy I swear—I do it for non-profit research purposes!"

Since it wasn't a publicized research, just something for the kicks—asking permission might not even be necessary.

The twins didn't really mind that one bit, as long they got to have fun it's all good.

"So, what kind of stuff to experiment next? Oh yeah, can you dupe this anime we watched? I'm kinda curious what it'd be with the processing."

"I'm excited to see the result too."

It's all okay for the sake of research, so Nepgear made another dupe for the machine to process.

Meanwhile, it appears that you could actually eat the game ROM, seeing it had the chocolate smell. So the twins shared it and ate it while Nepgear went on her experiment. The side-effect? Strangely enough, none actually, as if all the components actually transformed into actual chocolates with the contact of saliva.

The processing time for the anime purple-ray was around 110 minutes, exactly the amount of time accumulated from the menu transitions and the episodes (about 4).

Since it was around early afternoon and Nepgear was lazy to make lunch, she went to the twins and invited them for afternoon nap.

What was Histoire doing? Today was her day off and the oracle took over her duty. At the same time, she also got a call from Neptune, saying she'd be staying over at Noire's.

...maybe they wanted to have some steamy moments alone, Nepgear thought. Well, it wasn't as if she was jealous. If she wanted, she could always have 'sexy time' together with an excuse of sharing 'sisterly love'. It was really embarassing to ask Neptune straight away though.

So yeah, what Nepgear did was just putting the leftover curry from last night into the rice cooker and heat it. Since the twins seem to like it, things would be fine. The excitement of being engrossed in her research made her unable to focus on making lunch—she just wanted to let time pass by and see the results.

Like a dream come true (for some people), the lilac sister went asleep in her bed with two 'curious' lolis on each side. It didn't take long for her to fell asleep since the twins were soft af.

For the next hour, she had a dream of being a chocolate and got chased by the main character from that 'remastered' game. She was scared shitless after waking up.

On the other hand, the twins saw the chocolate turning into a cute girl and together they did something rather steamy, resulting in them drooling over Nepgear's shirt. Maybe the choco girl was in Nepgear's shape? Only both of them would know.

After the three of them woke up, there's still some bits of time before the processing finished. The thrill of anticipation made them finish their lunch a lot faster than usual and they find themselves staring at the machine all the way on the last 5 minutes.

The machine let out the 'remastered' version of the anime: this time, everyone were chocolates. It even changed the main plot : saving the world from demons, into rescuing the mankind from chocolates—when all of them were actually chocolates.

One of the screenshots in the back cover was about two chocolate bars kissing.

"...hmm...I wonder if this product was actually defective." Nepgear facepalmed.

"The remastered version kinda looks unique...maybe we can..." sweat started running on Ram, she began to rethink her life decisions—though frequently kissing Rom wasn't among them.

"Ram...I'm scared."

They decided not to engage with some insanity-inducing material. This time, three of them ended up sharing it. In addition of the disc, they could also eat the cover. That's because the disc didn't have a special capability of implanting idea chips at all.

Even though she already had lots of them, having another one with all Lvl 5's other than Infinidisc was one of her dreams as disc collector. Oh yeah, the game one didn't have them either, so she concluded : the machine didn't possess the divine ability to create 'discs'.

Other than those already experimented together for the fun, Nepgear had experimented on some stuff when it's not all that complete until it was all patched up and she could call the twins. It took a bit more than a week since the initial assemby due to her CPU jobs.

Firstly, the machine could turn a water into a cocoa drink of the same temperature—it took roughly 1 minute for a regular glass size. Would be much longer for things in larger containers. The maximum size that could be processed was: anything, as long as it completely fitted in the microwave-shaped machine amd the tray could be closed without anything that stuck out.

For rice products, it got turned to chocolate cereals like c*** k*****. Processing time, about 5 minutes. For porridge the result was a brownish looking oatmeal with mildly sweet taste. Putting a loaf of plain bread, it would yield a dark brown toast with a bit of choco chip. During its initial development, it had consumed too much cocoa powder, and Nepgear tried tweaking it so the powder requirement would be the most efficient.

It turned out good so far and made sense if it meant to go along with chocolate themes. Some result were quite strange, especially when Neptune started messing around with it during it's testing phase. One time, she put a piece of chicken nugget in it, expecting something amusing but she ended up getting disappointed since the result was—chicken nuggets. When she ate it though, its interior had the texture of chocoalte, just like crunchy Taiyaki.

Strangely, it did work—though mishaps started happening when Neptune put on a bowl of instant noodles onto the machine. Not only did the noodle got turned into disgusting looking brown noodle with unappealing soupy texture—it still had the mismatched taste of both noodle and chocolates got shrewn together.

That was when Nepgear had noticed—there had to be some combination which made sense for the chocolate theme, lest the results would scar you for life.

After experiencing the nightmare which was the chocolate noodle, Neptune practically left her little sister to her own devices for the time being. This left her with a fresh air to theorize the effective combinations.

The first law of the machine, it added chocolate elements to those not possessing them, or just a minor amount. If it didn't make any sense to add choco, the results might be disastrous.

For the taste itself, it could be either mild or strong depending on the base component.

How about processing something which already contained chocolate in it?

During the lunch break, Nepgear went to the bottom floor of the Basilicom, where there's a convenience store opening—in which she usually went for purchasing all the stuff whenever she's busy.

This time it was a piece of chocolate bar, chocolate milk and a small slice of chocolate cake. All the processing time aside, when she tried it out, the machine had the capability of smoothly increasing the chocolate purity of those products, resulting in the pure-choco version—which tasted really bitter for her.

It took a whole box of cocoa powder for each nifty purification—Nepgear felt it wasn't even worth it. From this point on, she began to tweak the machine's efficiency.

Since experimenting too much on the design would potentially tore the machine apart, Nepgear borrowed some books from the library about machine design and just stuck to currently popular design principles. It was actually coined by a certain famous engineer in Lastation though. The final product with the 'borrowed' design helped in greatly reducing the amount of cocoa powder required.

Well, let's get back to the Choco Machine.

With that, Nepgear made up the Second Law : things with a significant amount of choco would increase the choco purity when processed.

What if the object in the first place wasn't even food?

That's how Nepgear tried calling Rom and Ram in order to brainstorm some ideas. It resulted in them inserting a game and anime disc—the results weren't especially pretty.

"...this machine is no fun." said Ram after experimenting together for few hours

If it's s cooking game, it'd turn out to be making chocolates. If it's a weapon, it would just turn into choco—the same with machinery (although it's just a piece of junk that got railed).

The addition of chocolate elements got more and more uncreative as the time went by. Since the machine had too much of a limitation, Nepgear was all about calling it defective and nearly went to disassemble it.

"Hold up, Nepgear! I had one last idea. If anything doesn't work, how about...whisper...whisper."

"Are you serious? Ram...it's so gross..."

"What are you talking about Ram?"

"You see, we would try using-"

"Gagagagagagaga..."

"Hey, what's wrong Nepgear?" Ram just feigned innocence as she stared at the Nepgya expression.

"This machine is a failure...I will disassemble it later, for now how about we play games again?"

"Only if miss Nepgear agreed to kiss us!"

"Yay."

"O-o-on the cheek?"

"It's good enough."

"Uh-huh."

Just when Nepgear wanted to smooch their cheeks, the twins just went right and stole her lips one after another, leaving the lilac sister completely awestruck.

"That was fun Nepgear!"

"Bye-bye."

The twins left right away.

...in the corner of the Basilicom there was a hidden camera which connected all the way to Lastation. Uni secretly spied on Nepgear and the twins. Deep in her thought, she actually wasn't all that jealous.

"Wow, Nepgear. You're such a loli magnet." she commented.

After that, she stared at her own chest.

"Things would be better if not only this part being loli."

Xxx

The outrageous idea was kinda inspired by an internet meme. There was once a false prophet in Gamindustri who said he was the fifth incarnation of the One True God.

Among those people, there were a group who slandered the false prophet by telling him to turn poop into chocolates. As a rebuttal, he simply pooped on the street and threw it at the slanderer, saying.

"How's that, here's the chocolates for you!"

In the end, he got arrested by the police though.

The victim's testimony said: 'it still taste like poop'.

Ram planned to witness such experiment on the chocolate machine, so she could post on Neppit about her discovery of One True God.

Alas, her expectations weren't in vain, though she wasn't present at the time of reckoning.

Just when Nepgear was about to disassemble the machine, Histoire called her out, asking to help a bit on some housework. With utter reluctance, Nepgear put the machine back at the storehouse—completely forgotten 'bout it until next morning.

When Neptune came back early the next day, with Nepgear still asleep-she noticed the machine whilst searching for retro games in the storage. As if receiving telepathy from Ram, she carried out the idea of using her own poop—though it's mostly due to the Neppit shit post thing about the false prophet.

Regardless of whatever methods used to procure the poop, it ended up inside a plastic bag, placed upon the choco machine—there was quite a lot as if the lilac girl was preparing for this. The bag emitted such a disgusting smell Neptune had to put on a facemask with highly-concentrated pudding scent.

"...and up we go—start!"

Contrary to her expectations, the machine didn't show up the time in the LED. Instead, it rumbled violently and started thrashing around the floor. If it's a living creature it would akin to being in excruciating pain.

Neptune just clapped her hands along; she thought the scene was quite amusing.

It didn't last long until the thrashing and rumbling stopped for a while, and with the machine looking all beat up and rusted, a robotic voice came out:

"What the hell is this shit!"

"Well, it's literally shit."

The lilac girl checked out the an entry from her mental note of 'situational jokes I always want to say #69'. She giggled and chuckled few times, completely ignoring the machine's demise.

"...you...terrible human..."

"I'm a goddess though, so I could do whatever I want—maybe?"

"What kind of shit is this...holy shit...it smells disgusting."

"Yep, since I'm a goddess, that shit is holy indeed."

"Kill me. As an evil God who destroyed countless dimensions and turning them into pure chocolates—I always able to thrive in such madness—but now, sealed in this pathetic form—I just wanted to die."

"...the machine now has chuunibyou huh...don't wanna, it's too much of a pain. Let's wait for Nepgear to disassemble you okay?"

"No! I had enough! Fine, let me just end myself!"

There was a loud, deafening explosion. It's as if the entire Planeptune would shook from the earth-shattering noise which came from the Basilicom. It made Nepgear and Histoire jump out from the bed, whilst Neptune—she formed a convenient sound barrier just before the shock ruptured her eardrums.

Despite of that, she could still felt countless ringing sounds in her head. The storehouse was now in a complete mess with the metal parts of the machine got blown up all across the room. From the spot the machine once stood, there was a large crack, as though when a heavy object steps through it, the crack would collapse; forming a large hole.

Realizing how the noise practically sent the previously neat storeroom to an utter chaos and there's also some questionable brown-shaped liquid got sprayed all across the place, Neptune felt as if she pulled herself over some deep shit.

Though, as a saving grace, the disgusting smell from before had all vanished—replaced by a thick scent of chocolate. It would be lulzy enough if someone were to sip it without knowing it was once her poop.

It was a magnificent discovery, she had found the rumored 'One True God'. After performing the miracle, he practically self-destructs.

"I'm a mad scientist, it's so cool. Sunnovabitch."

That again, it's one of the lines Neptune always wanted to say in real life, although there's currently no one present to hear her.

...or not.

Footsteps came rushing to the storeroom: it's Nepgear and Histoire.

"Sis! Are you okay?"

"Neptune, what on earth just happened?"

Things got really awkward when they walked in and Neptune just happened to strike some ridiculous pose.

...looks like she wouldn't get away easy.

Looking at their concerned faces that seem to turn incomprehensible after witnessing her pose, she couldn't say it's all due to putting her own poop.

Third law of the machine : do not give shit to it, literally.

Oh well, rest in peace, Evil Chocolate God.

\- Fin -


End file.
